The Myth of Falling Read online

  Table of Contents

  INTRODUCTION: PREFACING FAILURE

  ESSAY I: THE MYTH OF FALLING

  THE MYTH OF FALLING

  DANCE MACABRE

  NECROMANIA SEXUALIS

  DIABOLA

  PORTRAITS

  THE EXHIBITIONIST

  NURTURE

  SONG OF THE BLACK ORCHID

  MAN OF LETTERS

  DAMNATION IN ASPIC

  THE WHITE HOUNDS

  SUNSET

  YELLOW

  ESSAY II: CRADLE NARRATIVE

  360

  THE EYE

  SWALLOWS

  THE MYSTERIES

  AWAY FROM THE RADIENT, DOWN AMONG THE BLIND

  SLUMBER

  THE NETHER NETWORK

  COGNOSCENTE

  ESSAY III: DECAY

  THE EIGHTH DAY

  SEIZURE

  THE SEEKER'S SPELLS: TWO PARTS

  GOING HOME

  RAISING THE UNDEAD

  IN ABRUPTUM MORIBUNDUS

  LILIES, WEST OF BABYLON

  EXISTENCE

  EXALT

  FIREFLY

  PURSUITS IN ICONIC JASPER

  ESSAY IV: BARBAROUS NAMES

  R.E.M.

  ONE NIGHT, REACHING FOR BOTTOM

  MAKING DEMANDS

  JASMINE

  ANOTHER ATTEMPT AT RECOGNITION FAILS

  THE LONELINESS OF THE UNDERGROUND TRAVELER

  RED CRACKLE LOVERS

  INFINITE CAIN

  ESSAY V: METAPHYSICS

  DRIFTWOOD

  HALF-LIFE

  RIPPED FROM THE DIARY

  THE BARREN

  A CHIMERA OF CONNECTION

  THE HUNTERS

  THE PITCH

  ESSAY VI: BOOK OF SHADOWS

  AUTHOR'S AFTERWORD

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  THE

  MYTH

  OF

  FALLING

  CHARLEE JACOB

  SINISTER GRIN PRESS

  Sinister Grin Press

  Austin, TX

  www.sinistergrinpress.com

  September 2014

  The Myth of Falling © 2013 Charlee Jacob

  All characters depicted in this book are fictitious, and any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

  No part of this book may be reproduced in whole or in part without the publisher’s written consent, except for the purposes of review.

  Cover Art by Nick Gucker

  Text Design by Brian Cartwright

  “Death,” said Mark Staithers. “It’s the only thing we haven’t succeeded in completely vulgarizing.”

  Aldous Huxley

  “One cannot afford to be naïve in dealing with dreams. They originate in a spirit that is not quite human…”

  Doctor Carl G. Jung

  I dedicate this book to my husband of thirty years, Jim, without whose love and strength I could never have begun—much less finished— THE MYTH OF FALLING.

  I’d also like especially to thank Wrath James White for his support and both hands up. Without him this book might easily never have been seen by anyone. Truly a scholar and a kickboxing, sweat and blood scribbling gentleman. Peace Wrath.

  INTRODUCTION: PREFACING FAILURE

  If you claim to write truth as you’ve known it, you’re a liar, seeking martyrdom.

  If you dub it emotional stream-of-consciousness, you’re a drama queen. If you are depressed, well that’s just plain pathetic. Physical illness left you less than a shrine to modern beauty, you’ve committed the worst sin possible… deliberate heresy against the flesh factory. Old? How dare you!

  Kudos, clubbed until silent, for the meteoric metaphoric!

  The second hand kiss is keloid, cathartic and combustible.

  Why must some of us remember so much? Recalling atrocities, patterns of dust settled in the gloom around bodies heavier than time, prophetic dreams of calamitous personal loss and nightmares that mirror the pale—is to count ourselves witnesses on behalf of those drawn into darkness. A part has closed up shop, stories already anachronistic in limelight. Few accept frailty’s fascination, a lawless dementia falsely accused of possessing no social conscience.

  Nothing more debauches the mind than the trans-orbital lobotomies of midnight.

  To the most critical of reviewers, there is no such thing as rules for the writer who is inside out. Darkness dictates; there are no thematic incongruities beyond the fringe.

  If you can’t believe the bizarre, adore it—the way of every death cult obsessed with a bleeding martyr. The world without fear and shock, without its taboo gestures in geomancy, has all the implications of a metaphysical failure.

  “Fiant aures tuae intendentes in vocem Deprecationis mea. Non nobis Domine, non nobis… Visio Stile.”

  “Let Thine ears be inclined unto the voice of my supplication. Not unto us, O Lord, not unto us… The Vision Of Dust.”

  ESSAY I: THE MYTH OF FALLING

  It’s everything you never wanted to hear or that perhaps you or somebody you knew suffered through, whether from the human misery of this universe or a criminality intruding from the supernatural. If the dream is a hexed epitaph for a bloodstained psyche, then horror is the organic harbinger. What is auspicious of these uncanny mantras is that they are becoming more accepted. This is because innocence—or the violent loss of it—has never been more openly marketable, judging by how many forensics and true crime programs are successful on television, and how the media picks out every ounce of marrow and no-tomorrow from the latest of the current and nanosecond outrages .

  Horror is also prognosticative. It points out those and then marks those who will be prostrate in hypnogogic paralysis for most of their lives. The Id has betrayed the Ego which is now pinned, back to the wall… fighting its more relentless half.

  This is endemic spectacle, such as humanity has always carried in its collective consciousness. It’s gratuitive as long as it doesn’t—can’t blink from digging out every vestige of the nightmare- writer’s subconscious.

  Blood unites us all, squeezing through tight ligatures of veins, Fear, death, and the most absurd icons of hope unite us. Society demands beauty in a strict code, then glorifies in its most barbaric disassembly.

  Some of us are drawn to the red-eyed traumatic because, simply put, we can’t help it. As the throwaways we were and are, it’s always been with us. But the rest? Well, if they claim they never had it, it’s due to having been repressed like all good Puritans, hiding their terror of secret ancient gods who hold the keys to damnation.

  If some truly haven’t suffered this—the noblesse oblige of the karmic wheel—it may explain why they appear to possess no empathy. They use the excuse of ‘upholding professional standards’ to persecute others, righteous to the hilt. But this book isn’t written (not necessarily) to spit back in anybody’s eye. It’s because I’m not able to crawl from my bed so that when I can write, it will be in the process of falling, long, in a terrible dream which must eventually meet with either gravity or a reckoning. And we do all fall, some sooner than others, from birth perhaps. (The karmic wheel has this dark little corner, inside a broken spoke, for those destined to nightmares instead of being among the exalted.)

  The myth of falling is this: if you dream of falling, and you go all the way to the bottom, you will die. For the bottom is where no more lies will hold you up. Realization is a certainty. Or is this a bigger conceit. At any rate, so we struggle to wake up before calamity, finding ourselves in bed. A primitive candle is our only talisman against the darkness, our anchor against the plunge.

  Each of us is a candle, flickering a grotesque shadow that stumbles, leaps, drops like the stone of sin. Down. Screa
m. No control. Flailing. Organs afloat, compressed, bursting.

  Down.

  Fuck all.

  THE MYTH OF FALLING

  Silas had just brushed his teeth, consciously scouring the flavors of a lifetime of criminal lust. Blood, lubricity, tears and flesh scrubbed away, swirling, circling the drain like feelings of fear without shame, guilt without remorse.

  He spoke aloud a prayer after swallowing his medication, washing out the silt of minty toothpaste, cloying as mortuary perfume.

  Dear Lord, please accept me

  past the heavenly gates,

  though the Light is empty

  and no friend or lover waits.

  As always, at first it didn’t feel as if he’d get to sleep. Silas thought to himself: There are clouds in my mouth, someday soon to silence me. Yet secrets whisper in red shades from the sheets that will wrap me, memories of sins—from beds and bindings, the gag, the tourniquet, the tools of auto erotic strangulation and of the beastly surgeon sardonically field-dressing a mortal blow. Pills in the bottle on the nightstand keep beating this wicked weak heart.

  The first time the nightmare came, Silas fell, screaming soundlessly, through airless empyrium into the upper regions of atmosphere with the gases hard as concrete. How he’d learned years ago to slowly change the nature of what his victims breathed, withdrawing oxygen a little at a time—the reverse of the experience of the angels dropped to flop through foreign skies.

  “See how I return you to the holy state?” he’d tell them, mincing words while running constricting tissue through a gamut of gruesome trials, designed to test theories of shrieks aimed at space. His first: parents, grandsires, cousins, siblings.

  Silas woke up in the act of closing the door to his room, barefoot in the hall. Hair stood up, vibrating on the backs of his neck and hands. He’d sleep run again, heart pounding toward explosion.

  He watched the night terror faces fade away. He returned to bed after pulling the covers back from the floor. Kneeling in the cold he spoke another prayer:

  Lord, forgive this bone yard field

  of my bloody madman traits,

  though the Tunnel has been sealed,

  and no human spirit waits.

  He’d taken a couple more of the meds and closed his eyes. Silas wondered, why are there phantoms in my eyes, someday soon to blind me? Yet passing shades leave smoking paths, down from the generative steam and up from ruin’s smolder. Spoilage reeks from what once nourished into that which become useless. Why was I given the rules of shine and then eclipse, the sacred silhouette in destruction? Does this make God a cruel sociopathic father, as well as the fountain of redemption? Then I have been the genuine disciple but have since become prodigal, undeserving of damnation.

  Silas fell through the second nightmare. The noise—wet as rain—came from unraveling insides, unaccustomed to gravity’s pull, partially freezing, next thawing once past each warm orifice. But what angel needed organs, especially stomach and intestines? What did angels eat? Nothing. Experiments of starved suspension in soundproofed cellars, predetermined lengths of chain—and hooks such as Egyptian mummifiers employed for grueling [yet eventually clean] extraction. The second group: his wives, in-laws, children.

  Silas woke up in the living room, heart triphammering toward epiphany in his throat. He recognized them, counted them as they vanished one by one, these monuments to the kink.

  Afraid, he padded quickly through the many mansions of his personal haunted castle [as in his Father’s house?].In the bedchamber he said a third prayer:

  Lord, pardon my evil sins

  in twisted black-tempest states.

  Can’t find where The Way begins

  and I know that no one waits.

  [God must hear those of us who, suffering, call to Him,] Silas consoled himself as he put down clean sheets. He piled in a corner those drenched in sweat. [They smell sour, as a maggot’s tears, finding vinegary sainthood.

  He swallowed the rest of the contents of the bottle. He couldn’t continue reliving the memories, enduring the torment of sleep and run.

  He fell, fell, fell, down to the bottom, a scraping noise against rocks as the wings snapped. Crawling on a peeling belly, formerly God’s beloved, now outcast and orphaned of forgiveness. Who remained to creep his shredding gauntlet, glass shards in broken bricks and razor wire coil?

  Silas had moved from country to country, anywhere houses could be built over toxic pits or abandoned mine shafts or lonely caverns, when with a few dollars it was easy to befriend and then betray.

  Silas woke up in the kitchen at the door to the basement. He’d never before run this far during his sleep panics, his heart an icy stone after some abstract disaster only his insensible body had been witness to.

  He put his ear to the door. An eerie echo of nothing, a storm of unspeakable sleet, a rasp down to basic human scaffolding. All of this was debatably shrill within a dying brain.

  Silas reached for just one more prayer in his terror’s flux. The door opened though he’d refused to turn the knob himself, and he knew it was securely locked.

  A smile stretched across his face. A smile? Was this what the dead wore as every fall ended, and they identified each transgression upon crossing? And Silas’s smile was wide, his scream soundless, unfurling the befouled deluge in the night, permeable and pared between grindstones.

  The Lord forgets and forsakes

  those whom the fall from grace breaks.

  Out of the darkness I see

  the shadows I’ve made wait for me.

  DANCE MACABRE

  I, dressed in nothing but grinding teeth, nakedness stung with ghosts flung out of a fragile nowhere.

  A crayoned caricature of a medium whispers,

  “You’re a long time dead.”

  The medium yawns, bored with the silence the dead have lately kept.

  A muse of music is found murdered and raped, pathologist says “in that order”, beside a lonely road not far from Nashville. Her murder is discovered on a cassette. The morbid underground purveyors of porn eventually find a way to steal it.

  Her final breaths are flecked with mica. She gives everyone who listens to the tape the desire to dance. Not everything is a slowly acquired taste.

  We swing out of the dark on blood-greased hinges, punk animals in heat with the beat. We bristle with contempt. Our terrible bones creak with lust.

  There were times I paused to wonder why this is all I ever wanted. Imagine living forever, then doing just that. The little muse didn’t, yet everyone moves to the songbird in her shriek.

  Deaths in between are to be expected, momentary lapses in continuity. Styles change in music and in murder. I rise, hearing her song on subterranean radio. Another cow generation has come along, not worth a drizzling shit, crying out to be milked dry before they explode from lactose intolerant ennui. That’s depressed, man.

  The medium dances. I watch her twirl like the girl she used to be. The one with the pentagram eyes, listening to the muttering dark.

  I’ve heard end-of-the-planet prattle for as long as I can remember, but this time they’ve got something. Arabesques, pirouettes, head-banging meth-riots. Feasible extinction, ghosts with no place to go. Death is a revel… or, for our muse, a revelation. It’s time for The Beast.

  See that man who just walked past? Could that be him? If it is, he doesn’t look anything like I imagined.

  The girl on the corner has no organs, no skeleton. She’s a douche bag filled with spunk until she’ll rupture if fucked one more time. Closely examine her eyes and you’ll find seed swimming in there, desperate to locate an egg. Except she has no ovaries. Cum spills from everywhere on her as she sloshes in a sack of ineffectual DNA.

  The boy on the porch step is covered in bruise blue. From shadows who pursue him, in love because he dreams of people without faces. They grab whenever his fandango strays too far from the light, murmuring,

  “Lookee here, kid, hey! I got somethin’ for you. Cool,
faceless, so you won’t remember a thing.”

  That’s the problem. He does remember, the steps, the rhythm, his scrotum-shriveling with his cries of pain in blank joy.

  It’s time for the Anti-Christ.

  Is it you? Would you know if it was you?

  And if I explain that I am a witch, but not the movie kind or the Halloween kind, with an agenda and ruthless karma, and I don’t give a rat’s flea-plagued prick about the Anti-Christ since I’m too busy living and dying and living and dying, would you believe it’s me?

  Must I burn, drown, or hang again, soul in the sunset, simply because you are too ignorant—too afraid—to recognize your own identity? I almost wish I were the Anti-Christ [that there even is such an eccentric character, raping virgins, sending the spawn out to woo an unsuspecting devotionally-challenged, dying/dancing world] so I could send you to hell.

  The couple slowly waltzing barely shuffle their feet. Like contestants in a 1930’s dance marathon, holding one another up. Hard to tell with their hair messed around their faces. They have been kissing that way for four days. Their faces melted together and they can’t pull away. They appear to be peeing yet it isn’t what you think it is. Look at the color—it’s neither piss nor shit. It’s skin turned liquid, trickling between and from them.

  Maybe God is tired of the endless adultery and vows that one couple—whether they like it or not—will see through to the ’til death do we part promise.

  A guy walks past this young couple, then right past them about four or five days ago. He pauses on oozing feet, staring at them with so much hatred that they suddenly appear as if they’ll give their final two or three meals a nasty, violent shore leave.

  The guy looks a lot like you.

  The medium murmurs,

  “You’ve been a long time coming.”

  Pretty muse, your death song is every place within reach of ear and feet. How well did you know the victim?

  I dance, a moth awakening, my circle tight. All light is white and pink, unfolding talismans with wings, summoning the gods of fire… slowly. Then blacker, quicker, circle widening, the bringing of clear dawn not my intentions after all. Not white. Dark, darkest, foul-mouthed Latin/Greek/Sumerian/Aramaic, fingers tracing glyphs in the dust.